Beginners Guide To BDSM Clubs

Going to a BDSM club for the first time can be daunting. You may not yet know how far you want to go or what exactly you’re interested in. It can also be very exciting. So, to help you out we have rounded up some of the most commonly asked questions, as well as some tips for beginners. These will all help to ease you into the world of BDSM and ensure that both you and your partners have an enjoyable and safe time. Good luck, and remember that the point is to have consensual, exciting fun where you can be your true self! 

What should I wear?

Different clubs have different rules, so please observe them. However, a good shout is leather, PVC, rubber, metal, or lace. Websites like FetShop are a good place to start. Generally, denim, trainers, tracksuits and casual wear is prohibited.

Do I have to have sex at the club?

No. Some places allow sex, and others do not. Not all aspects of BDSM include sex - things like being spanked, whipped, or verbal abuse, which many enjoy, do not involve sex, although there is a sexual aspect to them.

How do I join in?

Wait to be invited. If others are playing, respect their space. Remember, no means no and consent is extremely important. Do not interrupt people who are playing - this is seen as very rude.

How do I increase my chances of finding someone to play with?

Be well-groomed. Cleanliness and hygiene, plus having made an effort with your outfit are likely to help your chances. Also, come alone, or if you do come with friends, don’t hang out together. Mingle, talk to others, and get to know people. Hanging around as a pack can be intimidating.

Know what you’re looking for

If you’re LGBTQ+ it’s best to find an inclusive club. If you and your partner would like to meet a third, try a swingers club. For kinks like whipping, ball-busting, submission, choose a BDSM club.

Decide on your boundaries before going

Think beforehand about what you want to experience - maybe you even just want to watch. If you’re not comfortable with anything, you can say no, but it’s helpful to know beforehand what your limits are. Some aspects of BDSM are lighter than others - for example, spanking vs cock and ball torture.

How do I approach someone I’m interested in?

Simply go and say hello. Introduce yourself with your pronouns and ask if they’d like to play. If they say yes, talk about what you’d like to do together. If they say no, be respectful and don’t ask them again. As long as you ask politely, no-one will be bothered.

Is it likely I’ll meet someone to play with?

It depends. Play isn’t guaranteed and if you’re a newcomer, people often like to get to know their partners first. Consider becoming a regular at your local ‘munch’ which is a nonsexual meet up of people from the BDSM and fetish community. 

How to proceed?

During pain, check in with your partner regularly. This includes reading non-verbal cues - if they’re wincing or flinching, they’re likely in too much pain. In the same way, don’t be afraid to use the safe word if you’re uncomfortable.

Don’t forget aftercare

Be considerate of your partner’s needs. This can be as simple as getting them water or a snack afterwards. Ask how they found the experience and for feedback. You could also hold them and talk to them - it can be an overwhelming experience. 

Monitor your alcohol intake

Most places have licensed bars, but no-one wants to play with someone who’s sloppy drunk. Have one or two drinks if you need the liquid courage, but do not get incredibly drunk. It’s distasteful.

Be respectful of what others are doing

Just because you don’t like it, it doesn’t mean that they don’t. Some clubs are accepting of things like needle/blood/knife play. Not all. If someone is doing something that offends you, unless it’s against the club’s rules, just turn away. If it is against the rules, don’t approach them, but inform the staff. These clubs are intended to be a safe space to explore your kinks and sexuality. 

Is BDSM only about pain?

No. It’s often about roleplay and power dynamics. It is about submission and control, and not all of these activities are painful. Pain can be an element, but it varies person by person.

The traffic light system

As well as safe words, this is popular in BDSM. If someone says green, it means go ahead! Yellow means slow down or adjust certain aspects. Red means stop completely.

Mobile phone usage

Taking pictures and videos is not allowed in the very large majority of clubs. If you need to use your phone, do it in a non-sexual space or in the toilets.

What if I see someone I know?

Chances are they’re there for the same reason as you! You can either ignore them or say hi. Don’t tell anyone else that you saw them there, and don’t discuss it with them. Respect their privacy, regardless of who it is.